Parental Love

Parental love is expressed in various, often unconventional, ways in Asian American families

This visual exhibit focuses on the mother-daughter relationship between Evelyn and Joy in Everything Everywhere All At Once while drawing connections from other media examples. Each media clip below represents a moment in the show or film where parental love is expressed in Asian American families. Through these media clips, we are able to see moments of reconciliation, acceptance, support, encouragement, respect, and growth. All of these elements are significant factors in building healthy parent-child relationships.

Turning Red ¹- Mei’s mom, Ming, accepts Mei’s decision to make her own decisions and encourages her.

Everything Everywhere All At Once³ - Evelyn and Joy express love for each other and reconcile their relationship.

Never Have I Ever² - Devi’s mom, Nalini, stands up for Devi and shows her support for her.

Bend It Like Beckham⁴ - Jess’ dad encourages her to follow her dreams and shows his support for her in front of their entire family.

Bao ⁶- Bao’s mom is afraid to let go of her son but eventually learns to accept that he is growing up and moving on.

Gilmore Girls ⁵- Lane tells her mom, Mrs. Kim, that she and her husband want to live alone instead of living with her.

Reconciliation 

  • In Everything Everywhere All At Once, Joy and her mom, Evelyn, have an extremely complicated relationship. Evelyn disapproves of many aspects of Joy’s life and criticizes her often. Furthermore, Evelyn has high expectations for Joy and struggles to show her the love and support she needs, which leads to the formation of Jobu Tupaki, Joy’s nihilistic character in the alternate universes. Throughout the film, we can clearly see the factors that contribute to Evelyn and Joy’s strained relationship.

  • In the film, Evelyn clearly holds more traditional beliefs compared to Joy, who is more accustomed to typical Western beliefs. Research utilizing cross-cultural studies to collect data on Chinese American immigrant parents found that the difference in values is “complicated by discrepancies of acculturation rates,” since Asian immigrant parents may take longer and find it harder to adjust to a foreign culture in comparison to their Asian American children.”¹³ Evelyn and Joy’s complicated relationship reflects how Evelyn projects many of her expectations on Joy, many of which are influenced by her own traditional values.

    Furthermore, results from self-reported surveys completed by Asian American college students supported the idea that family affection may help ease the tension from the values gap between parents and children¹⁴. However, family affection is not always explicitly shown in Asian American families. While “Chinese parents tend to be emotionally restrained and reluctant to express explicitly positive comments and praise,” it is common for European American parents to “believe that praising children even for small successes can reinforce children’s good behavior and help them develop positive self-esteem.” ¹⁵ These cultural differences can lead to inconsistent values among traditional parents and their children and create more tension in their relationship. This can be seen in the way Evelyn criticizes Joy for various aspects of her life, such as her sexuality and her weight. She rarely praises her in the film and the formation of Jobu Tupaki is further evidence that Joy likely grew up without sufficient praise and encouragement.

  • There are various factors that lead to the strained relationship between Evelyn and Joy in Everything Everywhere All At Once. The struggles of acculturation and differing values made it harder for them to see eye to eye. However, in the clip above, Evelyn lets go of Joy in every alternate universe and decides to tell Joy that she will always be there for her. In the clip, she tells Joy that they can do whatever they want before embracing her. This scene represents the moment when Evelyn and Joy reconcile their relationship. Evelyn and Joy’s hug marks a significant change in their relationship. In that moment, they were able to be vulnerable around each other and clearly express their love for one another. Evelyn exhibits parental love by reconciling their relationship and deciding to always be there for her daughter.

Everything Everywhere All At Once

Evelyn and Joy embracing after reconciling their relationship.⁷

Acceptance

Turning Red

  • In Turning Red, Mei and her mom, Ming, have a close but complicated relationship. Mei helps Ming give tours at their temple and they spend lots of time together bonding throughout the movie. As the film progresses, there is a shift in their relationship. When Mei asks Ming for permission to attend a 4*Town concert with her friends, Ming turns her down. Afterwards, Mei becomes wary of Ming’s expectations for her. Her grades start to drop, she begins to hide parts of her life from her mom, and she secretly plans to attend the 4*Town concert with her friends.

    A significant moment in the film is when Ming turns into a red panda for the first time. She soon learns that this curse has been in their family for generations. Ming explains how Mei’s red panda can be trapped into an object so that she will no longer shift between human and panda. While Mei initially agrees to this plan, she eventually learns to embrace the red panda part of her identity. She secretly shifts into the red panda at school and collects money for the 4*Town concert by selling pictures with the red panda. As she continues to hide parts of her life from her mom, Ming and Mei grow apart.

  • Ming’s high expectations for Mei may have to do with the fact that she holds more traditional Chinese values. She emphasizes academics and is relatively strict with Mei. Several studies have attributed the acculturation gap to cultural value differences in Asian American families by stating that immigrant parents strive to maintain their cultural values and focus on family cohesion while their children follow Western values and strive for autonomy. For example, a study by Warikoo et al. (2020), reports findings that suggest “parent relationships may be stronger drivers of mental health outcomes than parent expectations,” which is unique from previous findings that focus on the effect of parental expectations on their children’s mental health¹⁶. Even when Mei had high expectations placed on her, she was still content with her life because her relationship with her mom was strong. This study emphasizes that parent relationships may be more important to a child’s well-being than parental expectations, which is clearly shown in the film. The expectations Ming had for Mei did not change in the beginning of the film but as soon as their relationship dynamics began to shift, Mei began to lie and hide things from Ming. She became increasingly unsatisfied with her life and began to rebel against Ming.

  • After discovering how much she loves the red panda part of her identity, Mei decided not to go through with the ritual to trap the red panda and break the curse. Rather than a curse, she begins to see the red panda as a blessing. Initially, this made Ming extremely angry and she tried to do everything in her power to get Mei to trap the curse. Eventually, as shown in the media clip above, Ming finally accepts Mei’s decision to keep the red panda as a part of her identity.

    For the entirety of Mei’s life, Ming has always made decisions for her. She made her expectations for Mei clear and always expected her to abide by her rules. However, by the end of the film, Ming learns to accept Mei for who she is and allows her to make her own decisions. Even though she does not agree with Mei’s decision to keep the red panda, she shows her love and respect by accepting her decision. She tells her that the farther she goes, the prouder she’ll be, which is a key moment of parental love in the film.

Mei and Ming’s last conversation before Mei transforms.⁸

Support

Never Have I Ever

  • In the show Never Have I Ever, Devi and her mom, Nalini, rely on each other and share a deep relationship. Devi rejects parts of her Indian identity and is reluctant to partake in various cultural events. As Devi goes through several significant life changes during her high school years, Nalini is always there for her. Nalini constantly supports her, shows love for her, and guides her in the right direction. Although Devi and Nalini argue often, they always end up supporting each other. However, Nalini is a protective mother and sets many rules and boundaries that Devi believes are too strict. Their differing opinions end up leading to several arguments.

  • Throughout the show, there are several situations where Devi can be seen rejecting aspects of her Indian culture and adopting typical Western values. Literature supports that discrimination is one of the most prominent stressors of acculturation that lead to strained parent-child relationships in Asian American families. Asian American participants were interviewed in a study and findings showed that “along with self-reported discrimination, higher levels of negative interactions with relatives were associated with greater odds of 12-month MDD (major depressive disorder)” and were often the result of “competing cultural demands and expectations.” ¹⁷ There is evidence that discrimination affects mental health and exemplifies how family conflicts can cause psychological distress, ultimately harming family cohesion. Devi’s difficulty accepting her culture in addition to her reputation at school as “Crazy Devi” may have caused her stress, which eventually led her to lash out at Nalini.

    Family cohesion is seen as “the main resource for Asian Americans to cope with stress,” which can be seen as an extremely important factor in Devi and Nalini’s relationship¹⁸. No matter the argument, Devi and Nalini always end up supporting each other. Nalini creates a safe space for Devi and constantly expresses parental love for her.

  • In the clip above, Nalini is supporting Devi and standing up for her. In the show, Nalini makes a new friend, Ryah, who is new to town. Her son, Des, becomes close to Devi and they begin dating. When Devi has a panic attack at her school orchestra concert, Ryah is there to support her. She comforts Devi and reassures her. Later, Devi finds out that Ryah went behind her back and told Des to break up with her because of her mental health issues. The media clip shows the moment when Ryah, Des, Devi, and Nalini discuss the situation. Even though Nalini and Ryah have grown to be close friends, Nalini is quick to stand up for Devi. She supports Devi and condemns Ryah for speaking negatively about her. When Nalini stands up for Devi and praises her for being strong, her motherly instincts kick in. It’s clear that Nalini is extremely proud of Devi and is full of love for her.

Devi and Nalini share a bonding moment.⁹

Encouragement

Bend It Like Beckham

  • In the film Bend It Like Beckham, Jess’ dad, Mr. Bhamra, is one of her biggest supporters. He shows her love by encouraging her and showing her sympathy. When Jess discovers her passion for soccer, she begins leading a double life. She sneaks off to play soccer and lies to her parents about where she is. She continues to become more passionate about playing soccer and dreams of playing professionally. As Jess becomes more confident in herself and her soccer skills, she ends up telling her parents that soccer is her passion. Her mom, who always wanted Jess to follow traditional Indian cultural values, has a harder time accepting Jess’ choices but her dad encourages her and stands by her side.

  • Koh et al. (2008) state that their interview findings “reveal that Asian American parents promote the development of an autonomous self in their children, at least in the achievement domain, in addition to the development of a relational self in the relationship domain.”¹⁹ This can be seen in the way Mr. Bhamra supports Jess. Even though Jess’ choice to pursue soccer professionally wasn’t what he envisioned for her, he encourages her to follow her dreams and promotes her autonomous development in her career. He allows her to pursue her dreams and have autonomy over her life instead of pushing his expectations on her.

  • In the clip above, Mr. Bhamra is seen encouraging Jess to follow her dreams. He encourages her to play soccer in America, even though that means she would be far away from their family. In this scene, her dad stands up for her when no one else does and encourages her even when her mom clearly shows disapproval. He shows parental love for her by supporting her passion for soccer and giving her the encouragement she needs to follow her dreams.

Jess and her dad after he encourages her to follow her dreams.¹⁰

Respect

Gilmore Girls

  • Throughout the show Gilmore Girls, Lane’s mom, Mrs. Kim, is portrayed as an extremely strict and overbearing mother. She has very strict expectations for Lane and doesn’t allow her to live the life that she wants to live. Lane feels pressure from Mrs. Kim and feels suffocated by all her expectations and rules. Especially when compared to Lane’s best friend, Rory, Lane has very limited freedom. Rory’s mom, Lorelai, allows Rory to make her own decisions and have autonomy over her life. Lane spends most of her time around Rory and Lorelai, which makes it even more difficult for her to accept her relationship with her mom.

  • The article, “Love is Color(blind): Asian Americans and White Institutional Space at the Elite University,” mentions that “whether they choose to acknowledge it or not, the double consciousness of being Asian American and existing in a white-dominated space takes a psychological toll on the emotional well-being of Asian American students at a college or university.”²⁰ In the show, Lane is one of the only Asian characters. Her entire town and school is white-dominated, which may have inadvertently taken a psychological toll on her. Being constantly surrounded by people who have the freedom she wishes to have may have led her to grow frustrated with Mrs. Kim’s expectations. Mrs. Kim has strict, traditional Korean beliefs and restricts the people Lane is surrounded with, the people she dates, and even the music she listens to. The pressure to follow these expectations and the fact that she’s surrounded by people who have the kind of freedom she wishes to have, is a significant source of stress for Lane. Her frustration towards her mom leads to several heated arguments throughout the series.

  • In the clip above from Gilmore Girls, Lane and her husband stand up to Mrs. Kim. Mrs. Kim told Lane and her husband to move in with her so they could all live together. However, Lane decided that she wants to live in her own place and decides to stand up to Mrs. Kim by telling her that she will not be moving in with her. Although it is extremely difficult for Lane to go against what her mom wants, she finds the courage to clearly communicate her feelings and make her own decisions. In this scene, Mrs. Kim shows love and respect for her daughter. Even though she may not agree with her decision, for the first time, she allows Lane to make her own decision and treats her like the adult she is. Mrs. Kim, who was overbearing and restrictive of Lane throughout the show, clearly expresses parental love for Lane in this moment, which is an important step forward in their relationship. Their relationship is able to further develop when Mrs. Kim begins to respect Lane and treat her like an adult.

Lane watches as Mrs. Kim talks sternly.¹¹

Growth

Bao

  • In the short film Bao, a steamed bun comes to life in a Chinese mother’s dream. In her dream, she raises the bao, cares for him, and loves him. As he grows older, he decides to leave home and live with his girlfriend. His mom is extremely upset and scared of being alone and ends up eating him to keep him with her. In reality, the mother wakes up and reconciles her relationship with her real son. When he brings home his fiancée, she accepts her into the family and teaches her how to make bao.

  • The mother in the short film is scared to let her son go because she doesn’t want to lose him. The article “A Mother Who Leaves is a Mother Who Loves” discusses the pressures of motherhood on Filipina women. The article emphasizes how “guilt about the correct performance of motherhood often limits FIlipinas’ ability to shift their roles in their families, usually sequestered to domestic roles.”²¹ Although this article specifically mentions Filipina women, the expectations of motherhood may apply to many Asian mothers. The Chinese mother in this short film feels reluctant to let her son move out because being a mother is a part of her identity. Her dream of eating the bao to keep him with her represents how scared she is of losing her son and how far she is willing to go to keep him with her. The expectations of being a mother may have made it hard for her to shift out of her motherly role and acknowledge that he is now an adult and no longer a child that she needs to tend to and take care of.

  • Although her son moving out was a big adjustment, the mother shows growth by accepting that he is an adult and respecting his decisions. Her bitter, sad feelings in the beginning of the short film develop into acceptance and love for her son. She shows parental love for him when she accepts him and his fiancée into their family and learns to let go.

A mother embraces a young bao.¹²

Notes

  1. Sloppy. (2022, March 13). Ming apologizes and accepts Mei's decision to change (turning Red Spiritual Realm Scene Part 8). YouTube. Retrieved December 14, 2022, from https://youtu.be/lhfNMx3Y0oo

  2. Summit. (2022, September 1). Devi's mom is absolutely savage: Never have I ever season 3: Netflix India // #neverhaveiever. YouTube. Retrieved December 14, 2022, from https://youtu.be/L-WpPM--ysY

  3. Theodore. (2022, May 23). Everything everywhere all at once (2022) - evelyn reconciles with joy [3/3]: HD. YouTube. Retrieved December 14, 2022, from https://youtu.be/d33woD1rR-U

  4. Movieclips. (2015, June 17). Bend it like Beckham (4/5) movie clip - I want her to win (2002) HD. YouTube. Retrieved December 14, 2022, from https://youtu.be/uopLUlluf-I

  5. Sherman-Palladino, A. (Writer), Babcock, D. (Writer) & Chemel, L. (Director). (2006, November 14). French Twist (Season 7, Episode 7) [TV series episode]. In L. Graham, G. Polone, C. Long, J. Stephens (Executive Producers), Gilmore Girls. UPtv; The WB; The CW

  6. Movie Mania 3000. (2019, March 16). Bao- the emotional story. (Oscar winning animated short film). YouTube. Retrieved December 14, 2022, from https://youtu.be/f5CcgFTO274

  7. McGuire, N., & Janicke-Bowles, S. (2022, August 11). How to Fight the Multiverse: Kindness is Key. Hollywood Compassion Coalition. Retrieved December 14, 2022, from https://hollywoodcompassioncoalition.org/blog

  8. Mei Lee. Disney Wiki. (n.d.). Retrieved December 14, 2022, from https://disney.fandom.com/wiki/Mei_Lee

  9. Vulture. (2021, July 23). Never have I ever recap: Girl, interrupted. Vulture. Retrieved December 14, 2022, from https://www.vulture.com/article/never-have-i-ever-recap-season-2-episode-9-stalked-my-own-mother.html

  10. Movieclips, Bend it like Beckham (4/5) movie clip - I want her to win (2002) HD.

  11. Nahar, J. (2018, June 11). 17 moments from "Gilmore girls" that were actually pretty problematic. BuzzFeed. Retrieved December 14, 2022, from https://www.buzzfeed.com/jasminnahar/moments-from-gilmore-girls-that-were-actually

  12. Bohn, M. (2018, June 10). The focus of food, love, and family in Disney-Pixar's bao. Socalthrills.com. Retrieved December 14, 2022, from https://socalthrills.com/the-focus-of-food-love-and-family-in-disney-pixars-bao/

  13. Wu, S., Wang, X., Wu, Q., Zhai, F., & Gao, Q. (2017). Acculturation‐based family conflict: Avalidation of Asian American Family Conflict Scale among Chinese Americans. PsyChJournal (Victoria, Australia), 6(4), 294–302. https://doi.org/10.1002/pchj.183

  14. Park, Vo, L. P., & Tsong, Y. (2009). Family Affection as a Protective Factor Against the NegativeEffects of Perceived Asian Values Gap on the Parent-Child Relationship for AsianAmerican Male and Female College Students. Cultural Diversity & Ethnic MinorityPsychology, 15(1), 18–26. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013378

  15. Cheah, Leung, C. Y. Y., & Zhou, N. (2013). Understanding “Tiger Parenting” Through thePerceptions of Chinese Immigrant Mothers: Can Chinese and U.S. Parenting Coexist?Asian American Journal of Psychology, 4(1), 30–40. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0031217

  16. Warikoo, Chin, M., Zillmer, N., & Luthar, S. (2020). The Influence of Parent Expectations andParent‐Child Relationships on Mental Health in Asian American and White American

    Families. Sociological Forum (Randolph, N.J.), 35(2), 275–296.https://doi.org/10.1111/socf.12583

  17. Chae, D. H., Lee, S., Lincoln, K. D., & Ihara, E. S. (2012). Discrimination, FamilyRelationships, and Major Depression Among Asian Americans. Journal of Immigrant andMinority Health, 14(3), 361–370. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10903-011-9548-4

  18. Kwon, S. (2020). Perceived discrimination, family and spousal relationships, and psychologicaldistress among Asian Americans: Testing mediation and moderation effects. The SocialScience Journal (Fort Collins), 57(1), 26–38. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.soscij.2019.01.001

  19. Koh, J. B. K., Shao, Y., & Wang, Q. (2009). Father, Mother and Me: Parental Value Orientationsand Child Self-identity in Asian American Immigrants. Sex Roles, 60(7-8), 600–610.https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-008-9550-z

  20. Chou, R., Lee, K., & Ho, S. (2015). Love Is (Color)blind: Asian Americans and WhiteInstitutional Space at the Elite University. Sociology of Race and Ethnicity (ThousandOaks, Calif.), 1(2), 302–316. https://doi.org/10.1177/2332649214553128

  21. Francisco-Menchavez, V. (2019). A Mother Who Leaves is a Mother Who Loves: LaborMigration as Part of the Filipina Life Course and Motherhood. Journal of AsianAmerican Studies, 22(1), 85–102. https://doi.org/10.1353/jaas.2019.0008