This poem, “thanks dad” ³⁹ is by a trending poet named Rupi Kaur, from her book “The Sun and Her Flowers”. With a large social media following and fan base, Rupi is a famous Asian American (Indian specifically) second generation immigrant. Her poems are often found on social media, and she is currently on a world tour performing her work. ⁴⁰

This poem highlights our overall theme of marriage/dating/sexuality expectations of Asian American parents, and the conflict it can create with their children. This is an example of this theme being addressed in the media by a second-generation Asian American immigrant, showing how prevalent this experience is for that demographic. The poem even states, “… to push marriage on us / this has been the narrative for / the women in my culture for hundreds of years…”⁴¹ speaking to how many Asian and Indian American women like herself have the traditional gender roles and values of marriage that have been pushed on them. At the same time, this provides a somewhat opposing side to the marriage/dating/sexuality expectations placed by Asian American parents, as Rupi is conveying that her father strayed from this stereotype. She writes, “instead he pushed education / knowing it would set us free / in a world that wanted to contain us”.⁴² Her father did not have traditional Indian/Asian expectations of her daughters when it came to their dating/marriage/sexialty, but rather pushed more Western progressive values.

The differences between American and Indian cultural norms as it pertains to marriage and gender norms contribute to the conflict and challenges between second generation immigrants and their parents. As Rupi speaks to in her poem, for “hundred of years” Indian and Indian American women have been expected to follow strict gender norms and roles that emphasize prioritizing marriage and family goals, while the men are expected to bring in the primary income and make family decisions. It is traditional that big decisions for women, specifically marriage, are influenced by parents (perceived as overprotection compared to Western norms). These traditional Indian values contrast with the Western values of individualism and egalitarianism, thus creating intensified cultural value conflict for second generation Indian-Americans.⁴³ A study conducted on Asian Indian women living in America found that their high maternal control, second-generational status, and high cultural conflict are all correlated with higher depressive symptomatology.⁴⁴ Research focused on how arranged marriages are perceived by second generation Pakistani Muslim women living in the US and and Canada and how these marriages have been influenced by Western Culture found that a majority of the women interviewed preferred a self-choice system of marriage, and values love as a prerequisite to marriage.⁴⁵ This goes against the Pakistani tradition of arranged marriages. Additionally, it was found that the number one reason for participation in arranged marriages was parental obligation. ⁴⁶

The article “Love Is (Color)blind: Asian Americans and White Institutional Space at the Elite University”⁴⁷ talks about the importance of counter-narratives as a tool to work against systems and societal ideas that uphold power imbalances.⁴⁸ Rupi Kaur’s father is developing a counter-narrative, working against dating/marital traditions and structures that have restricted choice and autonomy in Indian American women. This is shown in her poem when it states, “instead he pushed education / knowing it would set us free / in a world that wanted to contain us / he made sure that we learned / to walk independently.”⁴⁹ One quote from the Love Is (Color)blind article about the importance of counter-narratives states, “Don’t give a shit about what white people think you are supposed to do. Asians are not ‘supposed’ to do anything. We operate with all the same rights, freedoms, desires, fears, sexual urges, despair, anger as white people—and, yes, even in dating and hooking up. You can have as much sex or as little sex or no sex with whomever you want. Asian women are just as beautiful as white women. Asian men are just as sexy as white men. Believe it, live it.”⁵⁰ Just like Rupi’s father's encouragement reinforces the same values of autonomy as Rupi’s father.